Surviving the Holidays

            The holidays are a time when happy families gather around tables laden with gourmet food after exchanging expensive gifts. If your husband really loves you, he gives you diamonds worth at least two months salary or surprises you with a brand new Lexus. No one is sad. No one is lonely. No one is sick. No one grieves for a child who has died or a marriage that has ended. And, certainly, no one is struggling just to make ends meet.  If you don’t believe me, all you have to do is flip on the television, open a magazine or listen to the radio.

            Of course, we know that the reality is much different than the idyllic images portrayed in the media. Let’s face it, no one has a perfect family, so holiday gatherings can be stressful.  And, the strength of a marriage can’t be measured by the amount spent on a Christmas present.  During the holidays, we miss those we love who are not with us and grieve for those who have died. The “expectation gap” between media messages and our inability to live up to these unrealistic expectations can make this time of year even more stressful and contributes to “the holiday blues.”

            Here are some practical tips for fighting “the holiday blues”:

• Manage Expectations: Don’t buy into the media hype. Be realistic about expectations of yourself and family members during the holidays. If you and Uncle George have never gotten along, you probably won’t this year either, but you can control the amount of time you choose to spend with him. If your family is struggling just to pay the bills, then choose not to purchase expensive gifts.

• Focus on People not Things: Time together with the people we care about is one of the things that makes the holidays special. Long after the gifts are old news, relationships with the people you care about remain. And, if you are a family of one, or at a distance from loved ones, be open to new relationships with people who meet through your work, church or other groups.

• Create Your Own Traditions: One of the things that makes the holidays special is repeating familiar traditions that remind us of good times in years past. Creating some of your own unique traditions, whether it’s adding a new ornament to the tree or helping a family in need, can help make the holidays special.

• Control Spending: Nothing is more stressful than spending money you don’t have. As the holidays approach, sit down at the table with your bills. Allocate money to the bills first, and then set a budget for holiday spending. Avoid going into debt for holiday spending-that just makes January a month to dread! Be creative. Inexpensive homemade gifts like cookies, photographs and candies are among the most welcome. Many families cannot afford to buy holiday gifts, and in most communities, there are organizations that offer assistance. It’s better to ask for help than be buried in debt.

• Acknowledge Loss: If you have lost a loved one this year, the holidays can be a particularly hard time. It can be helpful to anticipate times that may be more difficult, like the family gathering where the loved one was always present, or the time when you and they always exchanged gifts, and plan for how you will cope. Acknowledging how you are feeling to at least one person you trust can help with feelings of isolation. Trying to keep an outward focus by doing something to help someone else can also help combat depression.

• Remember, It’s Not About You: The best remedy for loneliness during the holidays is to get busy doing something to help someone else. There are numerous opportunities to volunteer, some requiring just time and no money, and nothing will make you feel better than knowing that because of you someone else is having a better holiday.

     Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the blues take hold and deepen. When that happens, talking with a professional can help.